I prepared this whisper to be sent out Wednesday morning but before I could push send, the electricity went out. Again. It was the second time this month.
In case you don’t know, we have wildfires going on around us, the air is polluted, and the power company shuts off power to prevent more dangers. We just learned they will shut power off again tonight… so I’ll keep this message short.
If only… are words I hear myself think sometimes even so I try to be aware of what thoughts are popping up in my mind and what I do with them.
If only – thoughts are useless. They take me out of the present moment and make me feel like I’m lacking something.
William A. Wards words resonate with me:
“Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not envy,to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate.”
When I saw this picture one of our friends took last Saturday, I had one of these if-only-moments.
If only we had more of this went through my mind and with a tuck at my heart, I felt sadness. Then next came the thought we look like we are made of gold and our life is a walk on the bright side, popped up. More uselessness!
I paused and hopped on a 🌴Tiny Island to have a minute of self-reflection. A pep talk with myself, so to say😇.
I noticed the ache around my heart and the feeling of wanting something else. As I focused on my breath, I saw myself balancing on the tight rope of life. Up there with the Dream Dancer* who so bravely taught me everything I needed to know about trust when Sarina was still in the incubator and the poem of the little elephant was gifted to us.
I saw myself balance between the pain of a special needs mom and the wife to my man who’s heart often is heavy because of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom) that affects many special needs parents and hides in the dark. And I saw myself as a woman who chooses to feel joy through the many tiny wins I harvest every day.
With the next breath I acknowledge my feelings together with the words: “no, I don’t have an easy ride,” and opened my eyes. As I glanced at the picture again, I felt nothing but gratefulness and heard the words: “I have this. This moment in time that let me feel anything I want to feel.”
*The little elephant holds a magical place in my life. Want to know why? Read here!
The next time you catch yourself in an if-only-moment stay present to what story unfolds. Know that your mind will compare, wanting you to feel what you don’t have and why, and a bunch more negative stuff and you will feel either sad or miserable.
I learned on my yoga mat to look at my feelings at least as curious as I look at my body move, acknowledge them, accept them for what they are without the need to make them better or easier or anything else.