​I don’t remember visiting
this magical place.
 
How did I miss it?
Why did I never get an invitation?
 
“You’ve got to get out of your comfort zone,”
I read.
“Success, your goals, everything worth living for
is on the other side.”
 
Pause.
 
“This is not for me,”
 I flick the thought away.
“Special needs moms are
excluded from that place.”
 
But I do not flip the page.
 My mind is scrolling back,
whispering, luring.
“What did you miss?”
 
Pause.
Breathe.
 
“What did you not understand?
What went wrong?”
 
I notice the falseness in this sweet calling.
Sneaking defeat between the lines.
 
“Go away,” I say, staring down the begging letters.
“I’m not here to wither.
My path started long ago.”
The letters listen and shrink.
 
Pause.
Breathe.
 
My next breath offers a deal:
“I’ll put you on my bucket list.”
I hear my voice.
It pierces the power of
the disappearing ink.
 
I like humor.
It cripples the mean.
 
Pause.
Breathe.
 
I am exhausted.
I am on a path of healing.
 
My daughter will belong.
 
The smile on my face?
A gift from within
created by my daily vow to
get up and never give up.
To stand tall.
Heart wide open.
Surrender. Accept. Honor.
 
I dare to believe
my legacy of survival
will crown my daughter’s life.
 
She will belong.
 
My path is on the other side of
the comfort zone.
 
It’s risky, tricky. A balancing act.
There is no space for idling.
Mostly alone, I put
my steps with care.
My breath.
 My confidante.
 
Dying?
Even of old age,
isn’t an option for me.
 
Until she belongs.
 
Pause.
Breathe.
 
 
“You haven’t walked in my shoes,”
I say to the fading page, like a loving father would.
 
I turn my head to let my eyes find the sky.
I listen to the caring strength in my voice.
It swings, almost sings,
its hope to the sailing clouds.
 
Pause.
 
“I’m ready, do you know?
Show me that magical place.
I’d love an invitation.”
 
 

I’d love to hear from you. Do you walk in my shoes? How do you do it? I’m creating a free private Facebook “Never an Empty Nester?” for moms like me. Sign up for my newsletter below if you want to be part of it or drop me a note how I can support you.

Author

Manuela Rohr is a writer and Yoga teacher/therapist BDY/EY, C-IAYT. She was born in Germany and now lives with her husband and daughter in Santa Rosa, CA.  She is the mother of a micro preemie girl and shares her healing journey in her blogs and teachings.
 
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