My daughter Sarina’s traumatic birth not only changed everything I thought my life was going to be, but it also turned the relationship I had with myself upside down.

I didn’t know who I was anymore as the mother of a special needs child.

It was Spring of 1994, and we lived in Cincinnati, OH. My parents came to visit from Germany to support me and love upon their grandchild. My daughter Sarina was three years old. Born a micro-preemie, she went from one life-threatening pneumonia, and one hospital stays to the next. She had started to walk and speak her first words.

I felt a battle raging inside myself between hope and fear. I didn’t want to be a victim of these hidden feelings. I wanted to raise my daughter and care for my marriage, and I wanted to teach again. A slice of normal is what I craved.

But would my girl thrive? What did I need to learn?

A profound disconnect happens between our body, mind, soul, and spirit when our lives dramatically change. Most often, without warning.

Giving birth to a special child who’ll need life-long support, or care-taking for a loved one, or any other tragedy can rob us of our sense of self. Dreams fall apart. Can we create new ones? The dark shadow of worry moves into our life and weighs heavy on our bodies and souls. Self-care and self-love need solitude and time. As our heart breaks, so does our body.

In any circumstance, we have to learn to say me first. In the sense of not burning up our energies because we put ourselves last. Self-care that fills us up is what we must cultivate. It’s our birthright.

We have nothing to give if we run empty. Self-care is the sister to self-love.

It begins by befriending your body. Your body has been with you since you were born, is here with you now and will be with you for the rest of this journey. Let your body be your best friend!

Let me cheer you on:

It takes less time than you think. But it takes a fierce commitment to put yourself first and practice.

With my parent’s arrival, a bit of joy and ease moved back in. Loneliness in times of defeat is a hungry ghost. I sat at the kitchen table watching my mom prepare dinner as I flipped through Yoga Journal. I stopped reading and eying an ad:

Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy – A Bridge from Body to Soul. *

I’d never heard of it before. It drew me in, and the next sentence stirred my soul:

“The most profound pilgrimage I can ever make is within my own body.” – Sahara

A pilgrimage in my body? I heard myself whisper. My body? How was my body, other than tired?

This workshop was happening in Denver only a week away. My family agreed to handle three days without me. I signed up. The weekend reconnected me with my body in a way no other training ever did.

I went on the most profound pilgrimage I could ever make.

I reclaimed the love for my body as a powerful tool for transformation. And found my unique path to healing, which I’m still on. And I discovered “my why.”

I was here to support my daughter as all other parents do, but not to break by the extraordinary challenge. My child was not leaving the nest as most others do. I also had a gift to share, a profession I loved. I knew I couldn’t hide from this calling. I needed to make room for teaching to live up to my dream as much as I needed to guide my daughter to find hers.

The battle I fought inside had me swinging from the high of hope to the low of fear. I still feel this at times, but now I’m in charge. I don’t let fear win or hope to attach me too much to the future. I’m now deeply aware of what’s happening in my body and going on in my mind. And I’m listening.

Our relationship to our bodies needs to be one of deep caring. If you don’t have a self-care routine, start one now. Don’t hold your breath because you’re tired and don’t know where to start. Breathe and follow me a little longer.

No time?

I don’t agree. I live your life. We must make time.

I have accessible on-the-spot tools that work. They are my Tiny Islands. They are with me wherever I go; and I learned to make myself a priority and honor my body for being my partner on this journey.

My body has been with me everywhere I’ve been. It holds more memories than my conscious mind does.

I have a reminder to hop on a Tiny Island right here at my desk. A sticky note says PAUSE. I pause for a breath or two before I answer the phone etc. And include a mini-retreat when my timer goes off, about every thirty minutes when I write. I love to let my body move, it gets me out of my head and lets me feel.

Let’s try one together.

This blog was first published by The Wellness Universe in March 2019